Playing hard to get: good advice or a loser’s game?

We’ve all heard the advice whether from friends, relatives or dating sites – playing hard to get is the way to go when it comes to getting a partner. But is that really true, especially in the modern dating world? In this article, we’ll examine the concept of playing hard to get, try and understand the psychological basis behind it and whether it veers into psychological manipulation. We’ll also look at whether it’s effective, explain how to do it right, how to play hard to get after being clingy, and offer you some alternatives to playing hard to get.

What does ‘playing hard to get’ mean?

Playing hard to get means pretending you’re less interested in the object of your affections than you are, in order to get them to pursue you. The basic meaning of hard to get is that if you show too much interest, they’ll be put off; on the other hand, if you make them work for your attention, they’ll be even more attracted to you. Additionally, the tension of not knowing precisely where you stand with someone can be very attractive to some people. In years past, women were also encouraged to play hard to get to discourage men from thinking they were ‘easy’.

Does playing hard to get work?

Surprisingly, there is some evidence that playing hard to get is based on sound scientific principles. Specifically, it’s to do with something called the Scarcity Principle. According to researcher Robert Cialdini, one of the foremost experts on the topic of influence, people tend to value something more when it’s described as rare, time-limited, or unique. According to Dr Cialdini, this is due to the principle of ‘reactance’. Very few of us like to be denied things, have our freedom taken away, or have any limits placed on us. When we feel like that’s the case, we react. In some ways, we’re like children who want something even more when we’re told we can’t have it.

How does this come into play when it comes to playing hard to get, you ask? Very simple. Our brains are primed to think of things as being more valuable when there’s some difficulty involved in obtaining them. Similarly, when we’re interested in someone and they don’t reciprocate our feelings, they become more attractive to us. Illogical? Perhaps a little, but then, human beings are often illogical. It’s why playing hard to get works – by hiding your interest, you become more interesting to potential partners.

eharmony relationship expert answers if playing hard to get is ok

We also asked one of our eharmony relationship experts, Laurel Hose, if the concept of playing hard to get work and she answered:

“Dating is not a game. Playing hard to get is gaming and in doing so you are setting up the expectation of acceptable behavior in a relationship and making a statement that playing games is ok moving forward. And it’s not. Games are about manipulation and inauthenticity, creating insecurity, confusion, and distrust. And that is not what the healthy foundation of an enduring relationship should be formed on.

That being said, you don’t have to be “easy to get” either. What you should be is honest about how available you are, what you need your partner to show you and what you need to see and experience in order to build trust and feel safe within a relationship. Instead of playing hard to get, establish your lines of engagement. Once you have your personal rules of engagement, follow those rules, and simultaneously check in with yourself throughout the dating process to gain clarity on how you feel, what you need, and how you want to move forward. Your rules don’t need to define you,but instead use them as guidelines that you stick to when you feel like confusion hits.”

How to play hard to get the right way

We’ve seen that scarcity makes things more desirable, but how does playing hard to get work in a romantic context? A 2013 article by researchers Jonason and Li talked about the studies they conducted to find out the answer to the question ‘Does playing hard to get work?’ One of the studies they conducted was about how desirable partners who played hard to get were when it came to dating, casual sex, and relationships. According to the results, both men and women preferred people who didn’t play hard to get for casual relationships, but liked it when they had to put in a little more effort for both dating and serious relationships.

Different research shows that playing hard to get works best when a potential partner is already interested in you but isn’t yet passionate about you. In a situation like that, making them work for your attention can increase their perception of your attractiveness and make them want you more. Additionally, playing hard to get is a good way to tease out whether they’re actually interested enough to commit, or just want to have some fun.

Wondering how to play hard to get the right way? It’s a fine balance between gentle nudges to get something you both want and actual psychological manipulation. Some things to try:

• Having a full life of your own so you’re legitimately not always available
• Taking some time to respond to texts or messages
• Letting them take the initiative

The potential risks and downsides of playing hard to get

While a little bit of playing hard to get can up a partner’s level of emotional attraction, going overboard can backfire. Additionally, whether playing hard to get works depends entirely on the individual in question.

For a lot of people, playing hard to get can come across as manipulative, if not outright deceptive. While you don’t want to blurt out everything about yourself on the first date, taking it to the other extreme could mean your partner will have difficulty trusting you. Additionally, in general, many people see playing hard to get as enjoying drama or liking to play games. Some of the other risks of playing hard to get include:

A heightened chance of miscommunication

A key part of playing hard to get is leaving the object of your affection guessing. While this can heighten tension between you and your partner and even add some spice to the chase, it can also create confusion about your true feelings and lead to miscommunication, or even arguments between the two of you.

The possibility of emotional hurt

Some people enjoy the thrill of the chase, while others don’t. This is why it’s so important to be careful about who you choose to play hard to get with – while some people will take you blowing hot and cold as a fun game to play, others will see it as you toying with their emotions and be justifiably hurt.

A breakdown of the relationship

This is an extreme risk of playing hard to get, but it does exist. If you’re too careful about showing your emotions, the object of your affection might decide that you don’t really feel that way about them – or that the amount of effort you expect them to put in isn’t worth the reward of being in a relationship with you.

How to play hard to get after being clingy

You’ve realized that you came on a little too strong at the beginning and now you’d like to dial it back down a little. Figuring out how to play hard to get after being clingy takes more finesse than playing hard to get from the start. However, if you’re careful and put some thought into it, the transition can be managed without causing any needless hurt.

Gradually reduce the frequency of your communication

Don’t go cold turkey – that’s a surefire way to make the other person think you’re breaking up with them. But if you’re texting every few hours, make it once or twice a day. If you’re texting every day, leave a little longer between responses. You want to show your partner that you’re not hanging by the phone waiting for them to call or message.

Focus on your own life and hobbies

You don’t have to play hard to get if you are actually hard to get. When you’re interested in someone, it can be very tempting to direct all your time and attention towards them. Resist the urge. Not only is a singular focus on your partner unhealthy in the long run, it’s also not fair to the other people in your life or even yourself. Regardless of how head over heels you may be, keep your commitments to your family and friends and concentrate on killing it at work. A partner worth keeping will adjust to your schedule, not expect you to modify yours to fit them.

Set clear boundaries

Playing hard to get doesn’t mean you can’t communicate. Let your partner know what you’re willing and not willing to compromise on.

The key to playing hard to get successfully is to be self-aware and know what the right balance between being available and being independent is for you and your partner.

Alternatives to playing hard to get

While some people enjoy playing hard to get, or chasing someone who does so, it’s not for everyone. If you’re someone who has trouble pretending to be less interested than you are, or don’t like the idea of even that much deception, there are ways for you to make your interest clear.  

The norm of reciprocity states that we like people who like us, and we dislike people who don’t. So if you’re interested in someone, show them! Don’t go overboard, of course, but make it clear you’re interested in them and would like to date them.

If being quite that forward isn’t something you’re comfortable with, or you don’t know how to flirt, there are still ways to show your interest without playing hard to get. Make it a point to compliment them, and not just about their looks, but about things that make it clear you’re not just attracted to them physically. Keep your body language open and friendly, show interest in what they like to do, and offer to spend time with them even if it’s not doing anything romantic. In a lot of cases, it takes time and getting to know each other better for a connection to develop.

What are alternate strategies for maintaining a balance between being available and fostering independence/interest?

We asked Laurel House for alternative strategies and she answered: “Be interested to see if you’re interested. In other words, have true interest in exploring who this other person is, what their dating purpose is, what their lifestyle is like, and where they were, where they are, and where they’re going. And be sure to share who you are too. Then determine if they are right for you and if you are right for them. Continue to be yourself, and simultaneously consider how you and your life might meld with someone else.”

Playing hard to get can be rewarding in the right circumstances

As we’ve seen, playing hard to get definitely has its good and bad points. Deployed strategically and with care, it’s a great way not only to be more confident of someone’s interest in you, but also to push their feelings for you to the next level. Used poorly, however, it’s a great recipe for misunderstanding and hurt. Whatever your feelings about playing hard to get, you’ll likely find someone who shares your opinion on eharmony. For over twenty years, we’ve been helping eligible singles find real love with compatible partners. Sign up for eharmony and get started on the path to real love today.