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Hot and Cold Guy: Why Some Men go Hot and Cold?

by eharmony Editorial Team - July 28, 2021

What does a hot and cold guy mean? This guy plays a game – and it’s not always fun! Is he confusing you with his behavior or words? Is he just being mean, while you’re keen to know what went wrong? You’re wondering how can he be so into you one day and disconnected the next. You want to know why is he hot and cold? Well, here are some signs, reasons, and tips that will guide you when you receive these mixed signals.

3 Reasons why your man is sending confusing signals

Even if he was the one who relentlessly pursued you, he can still display the characters of a hot and cold guy. You will begin with thinking he’s a moody guy. You might even think there’s something else bothering him outside your relationship. Then he takes you by surprise: he is suddenly nice to you, buys you gifts, plans dates, and makes you feel special. And, the cold phase comes again just when you think all is going well.

There could be a few things going on and your response should always depend on the reason why he is hot and cold. We’ve listed the most common reasons below.

1. He’s not 100% sure how he feels yet

After the exciting initial dating phase is over, men sometimes pull away. The reasons: He might be not as interested or he might not really know where he stands. He’s genuinely not sure how he feels and he doesn’t want to lead you on by being too loving. Perhaps he’s trying to take things slowly.

2. Another dating game – he wants you to pursue him

Playing mind games can be frustrating, especially if you’re being played with. Is your guy taking forever to respond to your texts or changing plans often? He might be trying to play it cool so that he doesn’t come across as too keen. He’s hanging back a little so that you get a chance to make some first moves. Whatever the game is, if he’s ‘hot’ sometimes, it only means he is interested in you but is just enjoying the game.

3. He’s stringing you along – as well as someone else

Well, you need to consider this reality too. A lot of guys date just for fun. Once the initial attraction wears off, they look for someone else. The reason he is distant could be because he is finding it hard to keep up with dating two women (or more) at once. If you feel he is inconsistent and distracted, it’s time to find out where his focus is.

5 typical signs that tell you you’re dating a hot and cold guy

Your super charming man has made you feel hopeful about your relationship. And then he is suddenly he’s off again. So, what to do when he pulls away? Here are the warning signs.

1. He likes to take control

This is all about wanting to feel powerful – Men who blow hot and cold want to feel important. Probably by establishing control, they want to test you, or they’re trying to figure out how calm you can be or how far they can push you. They feel that when they’ve got the power over you, they can use it to get whatever they want.

2. He takes more than he gives

There’re no check-in calls, he doesn’t remember the special days and thinks of you only when he is lonely or wants something. There is no stability in your relationship; only selfishness. He doesn’t care about your feelings and you never seem to grow closer.

Does he choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy? Do you sometimes feel he is using you? Remember, when he’s blowing ‘hot’ he has a purpose!

3. He wants the chase and the challenge

For some guys, it’s not enough to be in a relationship. They crave constant thrill and they love the chase. They tend to go cold when the chase ends. They love to send confusing signs and enjoy playing hard to get. They get easily bored and are unwilling to work on the relationship.

4. He often shifts the blame on you

This guy has probably never taken the relationship seriously to begin with. If you confront him on his behavior, he is likely to say things like “you’re overreacting”, “we’re not officially dating” or “you’re too clingy”! The blame is easily shifted on you.

5. He’s acting out his insecurity

When a guy runs hot and cold on you, it’s highly likely that he’s insecure. He is blowing hot when he’s feeling strong emotions about you. After the first few months of dating, he begins to panic. He gets anxious that you don’t like him as much as he does. He goes cold when he is trying to figure out whether you’re into him or not. When you finally express your love, he feels he has achieved his goal.

Tips to bear in mind when dating a hot and cold guy

1. Don’t come across as desperate

Resist the temptation to chase him, act unaffected when he acts cold. If he contacts you after a long period of silence, don’t give him all your attention. He should learn to value you!

2. Give space – It’s sometimes the best way to communicate

Create that space where you can improve. When you start to focus, for example on your career, he’s likely to become more consistent and eventually won’t pull away.  Men are usually attracted to a woman who is focused and confident. When you’re not needy but appear as confident, you are very attractive.

3. Flip the game of the hot and cold guy

When he blows “hot”, you play cool, have fun but keep it short if possible. Showing you are unaffected works sometimes. Remove the pressure from yourself and him, and just enjoy the moment.

4. Understand that you are not the problem

If he is messing with your emotions or is openly manipulating you, stop accepting it. Don’t let him put any blame onto you. He could be insecure but don’t give him the power to upset you.

5. Confront, back off, and move on

Stay calm, confront but don’t accuse. You have every right to find out why he’s gone from hot to cold. If he opens up, the conversation could bring you closer. If he refuses to share his feelings and stays distant, then it’s time to move on.

In either case, you’ll feel good about taking a decision and for not letting fear dictate the outcome. Tell him that you are looking for a more stable relationship. You deserve a great relationship, not the one that’s filled with uncertainty and anxiety.

No more hot and cold phases – Only pure love on eharmony!

Dating a hot and cold guy doesn’t always mean that he’s a jerk or a toxic person. It’s just that sometimes you need to prioritize your inner peace. And, you can’t put your life on hold waiting for him to change. When you realize there is no emotional connection, it’s time to walk away. Want to get your love life back on track? Try eharmony. Our dating app’s innovative matching system finds your compatible matches and you’ll just have to select your favorites and start a conversation. Sign up for free today!

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