How to ask a stranger out: Key steps for a respectful approach

Knowing how to ask a stranger out can feel like unfamiliar territory for some. You don’t have a frame of reference for who they might be, understand their life, or even hold a solid grasp of their personality. All this uncertainty can feel intimidating. However, not being open to more spontaneous dating opportunities can mean missing out on the full scope of your romantic potential.

When it comes to the best approach for how to ask out a stranger, it’s often about being more attuned to non-verbal signals, practicing social awareness and sharpening your conversational skills. Most of these involve mindfulness and confidence, which are skills that are relatively easy to improve on. So let’s look at how to do that, the different channels you can use, and which approaches have proven to be more successful for people.

How to ask a stranger out on a date (in real life): Practical steps and examples

1. Approach them the right way:
   How and when you approach someone can have a decisive impact on how that interaction goes, when considering how to ask out someone you don’t know. It’s important to approach with confidence while balancing things with an open, easy-going attitude so they don’t feel cornered. 
   
   Setting also has an impact. A recent study showed that while we tend to default to certain social scripts – like approaching people in bars – settings that have the space for a deeper, more long-term interaction, like talking to someone during a long train trip, tend to get a warmer reception from strangers¹. Be aware of gender nuances, particularly when considering how to approach a woman, as the same study found they were more resistant to being approached than men. 
2. Read the signals right:
   Non-verbal cues are probably as important as verbal ones – not just when it comes to asking a stranger out, but they’re vital when decididing if you should approach them to begin with. Positive body language and signs of attraction can differ somewhat. A study found that actions like mirroring you, prolonged eye-contact, smiling, and reducing physical distance are attraction-specific signs². 
   
   But don’t only rely on body language to communicate attraction, as it’s mostly unconscious. Studies have found that people are both very bad at reading attraction cues³ and even worse at encoding them into behavior.⁴
3. Start a conversation with a stranger:
   Walking up is the hardest part. They don’t know why you’re there, so your opening should be something that immediately eases that tension. Try keeping it light, like commenting on something interesting in your immediate surroundings. Research shows people are better built for dialogue than monologue, so get a back-and-forth going quickly⁵.  
   
   How to ask out a girl you don’t know is going to be different from asking a male stranger, so it might make sense to think about how conversation starters with women might differ from conversation starters with men.
4. Ask for their number:
   Even if you’ve got them in one place for a whole plane trip, there’s an objective limit to how long they’ll want to talk to you. And if you’re thinking about how to ask a stranger out, we generally advise against doing it during your initial conversation, unless the chemistry is already very apparent.
   
   The next step is setting up a way to build on this interaction. Don’t rush into it before you’ve gotten any signals, but don’t wait so long that it becomes awkward. They’ll understand the significance of asking for their number, so try to be casual about it.
5. Ask for the date:
   While they may have enjoyed the conversation and you already feel some connection, start phone interactions from a neutral perspective. You can use humor and some flirting but open with some variation of, ‘It was nice meeting you today. I really liked our conversation.’ It’s simple but unintrusive.
   
   Once they’ve responded positively, try to get to the point of asking for a date relatively quickly. When considering how to ask out a stranger, remember that you’re balancing curiosity and rapport, so it’s best to strike while the iron is hot.   
6. Handle their reaction:
   This is the most important aspect to negotiate when approaching strangers as rejection is the more common outcome. Research shows people we don’t know are easier to dehumanize (and therefore reject).⁶
   
   This same logic should be of some comfort when you’re wondering how to ask a stranger out, though. People are inherently risk-averse. There could be so many reasons they’re saying no that have nothing to do with you personally. Reframe rejection as a stepping-stone to better interactions.  

Examples for how to ask a stranger out casually

After reminding them who you are and how you met, you can try to say or text one of these examples:

• “It was really cool meeting and chatting with you today. Care to keep the conversation going over coffee sometime?”
• “So, I told my friends about you, and they’re teasing me that I made you up. Want to meet up sometime so I can prove them wrong?”
• “I saw this beautiful new deli on my way back from our conversation. If you’re nearby again, want to check it out together?”
• “I’ve been thinking, you’re way too cute and funny for me to at least not try my luck. Could I take you out to dinner this weekend?”
• “You mentioned [topic] today while we were talking. I noticed there’s a [topic-related event] coming up soon. Would you like to go together?”

How to ask a stranger out online

Online interactions come in myriad contexts. So, the online etiquette for how to ask a stranger out can be as broad as real-life interactions. Let’s look at some tips for the more popular ones.

Asking a stranger out on a dating app

• A great opener can help break the ice and set the tone for immediate chemistry. Try to be humorous and somewhat original, but sparingly, so you still come off authentic and approachably interesting.
• Try to ask them out in under a week, or they may lose interest. When considering how to ask a stranger out, keep the message simple, casual, clear, and straightforward.
• Don’t be afraid of using the video call, voice note, and voice call functions in these apps. It’s an emerging trend with singles who want to get a more three-dimensional idea of online connections before meeting up. 

Asking a stranger out on Instagram

• Instagram isn’t a dating app, and there are some social preconceptions about jumping into someone’s DMs for romantic reasons, particularly for guys. Expect a decent number of messages to go unanswered.
• If you want to know how to ask a stranger out on Instagram, the best strategy is long-term messaging where you build intimacy and familiarity over time before you consider taking it to the next level.
• Interact with their recent content for a while before you DM. Try starting a conversation about mutual interests or their content rather than their appearance. Focus more on making an impression than a connection. 

Asking a stranger out on other apps

• Consider that some apps simply aren’t an appropriate channel for dating, either because of their social function, like LinkedIn, or where the community is anonymous and age mixed, like voice-chats in online games.
• A lot of community boards, e.g. Reddit, chat servers, e.g. Discord, and even popular interest sites have dating sections. What they lack in dating app function they compensate somewhat by contextualizing connections through shared passions.
• Before you figure out how to ask a stranger out on these channels, focus more on becoming adept at their social culture, building friendly connections, and developing a select few budding connections into romance. 

How to ask a stranger out over text

Before you consider how to ask someone out over text, consider how you connected initially. Did you meet through mutual friends, at a party, at a work event, etc? This is the first thing that should tell you whether to use a direct or more friendly approach.

It’s a good idea to work up to the idea rather than just asking them straight out of the gate. When you’re looking at how to ask a stranger out, consider the fact that text adds yet another level of personal distance.

Because you don’t have tone and language at your disposal, compensate by being very clear and purposeful when you ask them out. Be polite and casual, but don’t leave room for ambiguity. Most importantly, have a specific idea of the time and activity for the date prepared.

Here are some examples:

• “It was really interesting meeting you today. Would you ever like to grab a slice of pizza, just us?”
• “So you like kayaking? I’m going up to [insert location] nearby in two weeks. Would you be interested in joining me?”
• “Hi. So I know we work together, but would you ever be open to perhaps going for coffee after work someday? No pressure or anything. Just thought I’d put it out there.” 

Let’s just start with the most obvious answer to this question: Yes, it’s completely okay to ask a stranger out. Romancing strangers is a practice as old as human courtship. Universally speaking, we all started out as strangers at some point.

Obviously, in some contexts, there are some nuances to consider when figuring out how to ask a stranger out. Will you come across as creepy or inappropriate by mere virtue of approaching them romantically? Probably not, as long as you approached them in a way that was respectful, friendly, and responsive to any unease or reluctance on their part. Also, consider the fact that asking a coworker out who’s new will be quite different from how you ask out someone you met through a friend. 

You can’t win them all when it comes to dating, but you can make it easier for all parties. Try to look out for cues of some kind of mutual attraction. Consider whether asking them out could affect your social group or workplace harmony, and use basic emotional intelligence to figure out whether any of the attraction is reciprocated, or if the timing is right to begin with. For instance, they could be in a high-stress situation right now, or planning to move away soon.

Another thing that will affect how to ask a stranger out and whether it’s appropriate is how you plan to handle the possibility of them saying no. If you have any hang ups or past traumas from rejection, consider exploring dating opportunities outside of your social and professional sphere only, for now, until these anxieties ease.

Signs a stranger might be open to being asked out

• After you initially contact them, they often take the opportunity to contact you first.
• When it comes to romance, response time to messages correlates closely with interest. Though try to make sure that’s not just their messaging style.  
• If they mention you to e.g. friends, family or other coworkers, it’s a sign you’re on their mind a lot and they consider you part of their life.
• Touch is one of the primary tools of intimacy.⁷ When a stranger can’t help but unconsciously touch during peaks in conversation, it’s a sure sign that something more is there.
• They often talk about relationship-related topics like past romances, what you typically look for in partners or react coldly when you mention other possible dating opportunities. Avoid using jealousy as a tool, though. It can be a toxic relationship trait.   

How to build confidence for asking a stranger out

Are you nervous about approaching strangers before you even get to the part about asking them out?      You’re far from alone. A lot of people who are actively dating find it difficult to cold approach people, and instead, prefer asking out people they’ve already had social interaction with. Here’s how to be more confident with a stranger over time.

1. Practice. Doing it more often will improve your social abilities and make approaching someone feel less risky. Start small by starting casual conversations with a stranger in your everyday life. Even a small 2-minute chat is enough to improve your small talk skills.
2. Consider gender. Men are more open to approach than women. So, if you’re wondering how to ask out a guy you barely know, you might be overthinking it. Before you decide you need more confidence, try approaching someone just to see if the whole experience is even that nerve-racking for you.
3. Look for authentic opportunities: Try starting conversations only when you can think of a genuine reason to talk to them. This will make conversation with strangers feel more familiar and organic as you become used to the natural flow of interacting with strangers. So when you get around to how to ask a stranger out, you’ll already have practiced and gained confidence, making interactions with strangers feel meaningful and sincere. 

Overcoming fear of rejection

Rejection anxiety, particularly in dating, is incredibly common. Unfortunately, rejection occupies most of human existence, be it romantic, professional, academic, friendly, familial, or one of the dozens of ways some people refuse our requests daily.

This mindset is step one when dealing with your fears regarding how to ask a stranger out: rejection, at some point, is inevitable. So why are you so particularly stung by initial romantic rejection? It doesn’t define you or represent your objective value as a person. Most rejections are contextual and based on a very limited perspective of who you are and what makes you special.

Build resilience against rejection, not by ignoring its effect, but by fully onboarding and individually examining the emotions it stirs in you. Admit your disappointment and embarrassment while understanding those feelings are also transient. Like anything uncomfortable, confronting rejection and deconstructing it to its baser parts makes it seem less unwieldy and intimidating.  

The last step is acceptance. Accept what might have been revealed about your approach. Also accept that these negative emotions might arise, but they can be easily confronted and managed. Most importantly, try to learn from each rejection and let it inform how you approach asking strangers out in the future.    

Look at how to ask a stranger out and make them something more

When it comes down to how to ask out a stranger, manage the chances of rejection by looking out for positive cues beforehand that they’d be open to approaching you. Once you’ve approached, diffuse any tension by using a more casual tone, keeping your posture open and non-aggressive, and trying to engage them in a meaningful, authentic way as early as possible in the conversation.

Be patient. Great romances aren’t all built in a day. Learn to be satisfied with one positive outcome – like engaging them in lively conversation, or getting their number –  and build on each positive interaction until you naturally get to a place where asking them out feels like common sense. Sometimes it’ll work out, sometimes it won’t. Learn to appreciate both outcomes as they’re all essential in that great journey to finding those people you’re truly meant to be with.

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