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Anxious attachment dating: Effective dating tips to overcome it

by Eharmony Editorial Team - April 18, 2021

What is ‘anxious attachment’ in the context of dating? It’s related to the way one behaves in a relationship. If someone is often nervous or stressed and needs constant reassurance, they likely have the anxious attachment style. The key characteristics are insecurity, needing a lot of validation from their partner, clinginess or possessiveness, and the constant need to be loved and appreciated.

Anxious attachment style affects dating and relationships to a great extent. Here are some great tips to improve your situation from different point of views.

Anxious attachment style dating: 6 key traits of a compatible partner

People with anxious attachment often want more closeness. If the other partner wants more space, then the problem arises. It can lead to unhappy relationships as the person who is seeking more attention also ends up sacrificing their needs to make their partner happy.

Someone with anxious attachment has a dating anxiety that tends to come off as preoccupied when in a relationship. Though sounds difficult to handle, the bright side is, this is a problem that can be dealt with if they are willing to put in a little work. To calm an anxiously attached person, a partner has to understand that they require higher levels of closeness than people with secure attachment styles.

If you’re someone with anxious attachment style and trying to date, it’s important that you find the right partner. Choose someone who:

  1. Has higher emotional intelligence – A partner who is capable of conveying emotions appropriately and constructively can be a great companion.
  2. Is emotionally available– Your partner should be secure, available, and sensitive to your needs. He/ she should not disregard your insecurities.
  3. Is a good communicator – Your partner should communicate openly. He/ she should be able to understand or accept your feelings and point of view.
  4. Is consistent – Your partner should be consistent in expressing his/her love and care. When they follow through on promises, it becomes easier for you to trust them.
  5. Provides Reassurance –Fights/ disagreements are common in any relationship. He/she should be able to talk things through and should be able to handle fights with some amount of tenderness. Choose someone who does not let ego come in their way.
  6. Is positive and patient –Your partner should have a positive outlook on relationships in general. He/ she should not lose their temper or patience every time your anxiety flares up. A caring partner will want to help you alleviate it.

Deal with anxious attachment in dating like a pro

If you have had anxious attachment dating habits, here are six things to bear in mind to have a happy and successful long-term relationship.

  1. Self-awareness and acceptance
    Understand your struggle is common and human. When you’re self-aware you can deal with the problems in a smarter way. For example, if you realize that you tend to overanalyze your partner’s signals, second-guess their feelings, and worry that they may abruptly lose interest in you remember it’s likely just your anxieties. Once you have accepted that you have anxious attachment dating habits, you can find ways to cope and change the behavior.
  2. Build a life you love – Do the things that make you happy
    It is important to focus on things that give you positive energy. Do things that take the pressure off you and engage in activities that will keep you busy without stressing you out. Work on increasing your self-worth. Surround yourself with people who have similar interests and outlook on life.
  3. Decide who to invest your time and energy on
    While choosing a partner you should focus less on physical chemistry and conversational flow and more on emotional compatibility. If you feel your life has been dull, you should not date just to have a distraction. Date someone who shares the same values as you do. Stay away from people who have commitment issues.
  4. Communicate clearly to your partner – Be upfront about your needs
    When you have anxious attachment dating habits you require a lot of closeness in order to feel secure. It is important to be upfront about your needs. You should never pretend you don’t be frightened and try to adjust to your partner’s dating style.
  5. Beat the anxiety – Relax and think before you jump to conclusions
    Learn how to regulate your emotions and learn some coping techniques. When you are upset, your fear is likely to be triggered. Having a routine in place will help you and when the anxiety hits, you have something to fall back on. Avoid reacting to circumstances immediately.
  6. Choose a compatible partner who is fully available for you
    Go slow while choosing a partner. A person who will support you and who understands that their wiring is different from yours will be an ideal partner.

How to deal with your anxious partner in 4 different ways

Anxiously attached people are usually scared to fall in love. If your partner tends to often worry about your ability to love them back, then you can try and change the way you react. Here’s how to be a compatible partner:

  1. Build trust
    When you make plans or promises ensure you follow through with them. Appreciate their efforts and show gratitude for the sacrifice they make.
  2. Spend quality time – Make an effort to love them to more
    Be consistent when it comes to spending time with them. This will definitely help in improving your relationship.
  3. Do not invalidate feelings of anxious attached people
    This is an important tip. When they share their issues never judge or laugh at them for feeling the way they are. Instead, show compassion and support. If you two had fought reassure them it’s not the end of the relationship.
  4. Communicate – Proactively tell them how you feel
    Regularly, express how you feel about them. Don’t assume they know how you feel instead have engaging conversations.

Anxious attachment dating can lead to a successful relationship success with awareness

Anxious attachment is not a liability, and isn’t permanent and nor does it define a person. Attaining relationship bliss is possible if you tackle the anxiety correctly. If you are dating someone with an anxious attachment you must be willing to make the relationship a priority – a little extra effort can go a long way!

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