Your profile. It is the first place that your matches get a glimpse into your personality and history. What are the best ways to keep this very important information honest, interesting and upbeat?
You’ve probably heard the expression, “you catch more flies with honey.” Meaning: people are naturally attracted to the positive. Negativity naturally repels.
While the traits of past partners and repeated online disappointments may be helpful input in making current decisions, creating a profile filled with your deal-breakers and warnings about yourself may sabotage your chances at drawing the “flies”. Instead, you can learn the art of rewording with a positive spin.
Is being positive the same as being in denial?
We all know people who “can’t handle the truth.” Literally, they shut down or change the topic every time a sensitive subject arises. Ignoring reality doesn’t have to be the same as maintaining a positive outlook. It’s possible to acknowledge painful and negative things without making them the focus. Putting a positive spin on something doesn’t have to mean you’re being fake or just “marketing yourself.”
Naming a word
Whenever you speak or write a word for anyone to hear or read, the words will inevitably form thoughts in the mind of the listener/reader. What they weren’t thinking about before, suddenly they are – because you named it. You have created a picture or a concept in their mind. Because you’re on eHarmony Canada and your match is trying to learn about who you are, they’ll associate you with the words on your profile.
Stating your deal-breakers?
Remember that the wording in the question is “what qualities are you looking for?”
Writing your profile is a significant creative act, you may have a sizeable audience reading your work! You have the power to create whatever ideas you want in your matches’ minds. So when you say “No drama,” or “No lying,” your matches will naturally fixate on the words “drama” and “lying” – regardless of the “NO” that came before the words.
Turning deal-breakers around
There’s always a way to rephrase positively. If you feel the need to include deal-breakers, imagine what you would want instead of what you wouldn’t: “I’m looking for someone who can discuss matters that arise calmly to come to a win-win outcome.” Or, “I appreciate someone who communicates their opinions directly and backs up their words with actions.”
Better yet: don’t include these things at all, but come up with unique qualities that you’re looking for that not everyone wants. Also, it’s often necessary to communicate and even experience someone in real life to find out if they’re overly dramatic or if they lie. Writing it in a profile isn’t always going to help screen out the wrong matches as much as you’d like.
Informing matches of your issues
Some people have issues or traits that they have found aren’t universally accepted by prospective matches and they feel a need to inform matches in the profile in order to protect themselves from unnecessary attachment and rejection. These issues could be any number of things – a disability, a disease, or a unique commitment, etc.
First of all, consider how personal something is before you post it. If it is a venereal disease, for example, you may want to hold off. However, if your issue affects your appearance or would seriously affect your partner’s lifestyle, you may mention it (again, if it’s not too personal).
Spare the details
Avoid putting unappealing thoughts into your match’s head. For instance, writing, “I have acid reflux and if I eat the wrong thing, I could spend the night vomiting uncontrollably,” may not be a turn-on!
Look for the silver lining
If you decide to write a disclaimer, you could take it a step further to show how this trait or issue is positive, or how it has taught you something. For instance, you could say, “I have a special diet and I’m excited that it’s gradually teaching me to be healthier and more disciplined.”
Searching for a relationship is like going on a road trip. While it’s necessary to check the rearview mirror every so often, keeping your eyes on the road ahead is actually safer and allows you to literally “look forward” to your exciting destination.