A guy sitting at his laptop smiling with headphones on

How to Lose a Guy Online

by Eharmony Editorial Team - May 16, 2011

 Those early interactions with a new man you meet online can be so precarious.  Here’s how to make sure you get things off on the right foot...and don’t scare him away in the process. 

 Those early interactions with a new man you meet online can be so precarious.  Here’s how to make sure you get things off on the right foot…and don’t scare him away in the process.

If you remember the movie ‘How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days’, you’ll know that even though the girl did everything “wrong,” the right guy still fell for her in the end.  And I like to think that people who are supposed to be together stay together no matter what. 

But let’s face it – finding the right guy feels hard enough, so you want to stack the odds in your favor.  Well, I’m here to tell you what a guy really thinks when he’s online dating…and how to steer clear of the most common mistake women make online when looking for a lasting relationship with a great guy:

When you start talking to a man online, it’s easy to get addicted to the feeling of emotional connection when you’re both sharing personal, intimate things about yourselves with each other.
Be careful here. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your ability to share and connect will translate well when you meet in person. He may not act or talk the same way that he writes. You may not feel as comfortable with him in person as you do online or feel the same chemistry. 

Moreover, if you come to that first meeting with all sorts of expectations, you are already creating a disconnect between the two of you.  Not only is the chance for disappointment greater, but your eagerness may come across aggressively to him.  He’ll sense that you’re already moving way ahead, and he’ll feel pressured.

If you’ve been talking to a man online for a little while (weeks or months), and he suddenly stops writing or takes longer to write you back, don’t take it too personally.
The key here is not to overanalyze why. There is no rhyme or reason for why a man will do this, and trying to figure it out will drive you crazy.  Not only that, but you’ll inadvertently shut yourself off from a truly great guy who is right for you – a guy who will make you glad the other man didn’t follow though.
What you want to do is to avoid extensive messaging in the first place.  My tip is to quickly qualify with a phone conversation first, then meet a guy as soon as possible for a low-pressure or fun “get to know each other” event. This can and will save you so much time, energy, and confusion.  If the guy doesn’t suggest talking or meeting soon after you start messaging, then, if you feel comfortable, simply give him your phone number and tell him you’re up for chatting sometime if he is.
When you’re moving through the steps of getting to know a man online, avoid asking him if he’s open to having a relationship with you (he isn’t thinking that yet), or trying to get him to approve of the way you look or the type of woman that you are.
Instead, focus on communicating that you’re having fun and enjoying yourself – without pushing toward the next step.  Deep down, a man is looking for a woman who is fun, attractive, and easy to be with.  Keeping these three qualities in mind will help you create positive interactions with him that make him feel all these things he needs to feel in order to move forward with you.  So keep your conversations light – ask him about his hobbies, his favorite vacation spots, what he likes to do with his friends.  He’ll ask you to share the same about yourself, and you’ll start building a solid foundation of positive experience that can lead to a truly connected relationship.

While it may be exciting to start corresponding with a potential match online, you must remember that there is no relationship yet in the man’s mind.  It takes longer for men to process dating and commitment than it does for women.  A man needs to spend time with you and get to know you before he decides if he wants a relationship with you (and you should be doing the same!)

Building a solid foundation with a man is crucial for having a lasting, secure relationship.  To learn more about how a man thinks during the dating process all the way through commitment, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter.  He’ll teach you specific ways to create the best possible experience during those early dates so that he keeps asking you out again and again.