A woman thinking with a bubble over her head with a baby in it

How To Date When You Want Kids – Now

by Eharmony Editorial Team - February 11, 2011

When I met my husband in my late 30s, I was more than ready for kids.  And I told him so right away - even though he was a few years younger than me.  Now, common wisdom tells you that yo

When I met my husband in my late 30s, I was more than ready for kids.  And I told him so right away – even though he was a few years younger than me.  Now, common wisdom tells you that you should never do such a thing; that letting a man know something like this is akin to having an agenda and will send him running.

The key is in how you communicate your desire for children.  You want to do it in a way that lets him know where you’re at…and that it’s his choice whether or not he wants to be a part of it.  Here’s how.


Now this might seem contradictory to what I’ve said above, but it’s not.  The most attractive thing you can do at any age is to show a man that you have a healthy self-esteem and that your life does not depend on him.

So, even though you want children, your life does not depend on it – and it certainly doesn’t depend on him.  You are complete just as you are, and your first priority is you.  That means that even though you want children, you firstly want to have them with the RIGHT partner.  Shift your perspective from looking for a potential father for your children to one of CHOOSING the right man for you.  When you do, you won’t give off that desperate vibe where all he hears is “Hurry up, my clock is ticking!”  Instead, he’ll see that you’re happy with yourself, know what you want, and aren’t just looking for him to fill a job description.  Remember that men, like you, want to be wanted for who they are – and not simply to fill a need in your life.


Don’t fool yourself into thinking that a man who honestly says he doesn’t want children – or doesn’t want any more children – will change his mind.  While it does happen, it’s far more sensible to stack the odds in your favor by only meeting men who have the same goals as you do.

Don’t let perceived chemistry get in the way and cloud your vision about this, only to realize down the line that you’ve invested too much time in a man who simply can’t create the kind of family with you that you want.


A major part of my work is helping women speak from their feelings in a way that truly connects with a man’s heart.

Talking with a man about marriage and children in the early stages of dating can seem nerve-wracking.  That’s why you want to do it before you become attached, and in a way that won’t make him feel defensive:

“By the way, I know we kind of mentioned this in our emails, but we haven’t talked about it.  I’d really love to have children, and as I’m in my 30s I don’t want to go much further and invest time with someone who doesn’t want the same things.  What do you think?  I just want to find out if we’re on the same page.”

Think “dialogue,” not speech, and watch how he catches the ball.  You’ll not only learn what’s on his mind, you’ll get valuable insight into how he handles conversations like this.


My husband obviously stuck around after I broke the news, and our daughter is proof!  If you practice what I’ve told you here and a man doesn’t call you again, remember that you have no idea what’s going on in his life.  All you know is you.

If he runs, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have told him about your desire to have a family.  All it means is that he isn’t the right guy for you, and that by walking away now he’s saving you from more heartache later.  When you speak your truth, you can’t go wrong.  When you speak from your heart, the right man for you will appreciate you and feel almost compelled to get closer to you.


To learn more ways to express your needs to a man in a way that will bring him closer and inspire him to make you happy, subscribe to Rori’s free e-newsletter.  Rori will teach you specific words and body language to help you share your feelings effectively throughout every stage of the dating process and beyond. You’ll finally be able to tell him exactly how you feel without fear or worry that you might push him away.