A man reading his iPad on a the couch in his living room

Why He Picked Her Over You

by Eharmony Editorial Team - May 1, 2012

Sometimes it's timing. Sometimes he's not ready. Other times, as painful as it is to hear, he just didn't feel you were the right fit for him. But why?

Sometimes it’s timing. Sometimes he’s not ready. Other times, as painful as it is to hear, he just didn’t feel you were the right fit for him. But why? You can drive yourself crazy wondering about this, and it usually comes down to just one thing: he didn’t feel with you what I call “emotional attraction.”

Emotional attraction goes way beyond physical attraction. It’s what makes him feel, at a profound level, that he doesn’t want to be without you. Here are three ways to stir up emotional attraction in him…and build a solid foundation for a secure, long-term relationship.


Men and women are more alike than we are different. Men, just like you, want to feel accepted for who they are – just as they are. And so, if a man senses that you want to change him or mold him to fit something you believe he should be, he’ll lose attraction for you.

Instead, show a man you accept him by communicating lots of appreciation. Let him know how much you enjoy being with him, and express gratitude whenever he does something you like. You can even do this by saying something out of the blue like, “I was thinking today how much I enjoy being with you.” Of course, only say it if you mean it!  And, if you don’t, why are you with him in the first place?


Want to know one of the biggest fears men have about relationships and commitment? That you only want us to fill a need – because you’re looking for a husband and to have children. They, just like you, want to be wanted for who they are and not just for what they can give.

When a man thinks you’ll revolve your whole life around him and that you’ve already decided he’s the one before he talks about commitment, he’ll feel pressured. He’ll feel pressured to live up to your expectations, and he’ll also feel anxious about letting you down. He’ll also wonder why you’ve made up your mind about him so quickly.

To counteract this, you need to continue to have a life outside him – by nurturing your hobbies, spending time with friends and family, improving your life and career. When you do this, he starts feeling lucky to have a place in your life, and he’ll fight to stay there.


Most guys don’t go around thinking, “Gee, I’d really love to commit the rest of my life to just one woman.” Instead, a man will usually meet a woman who INSPIRES him to be with her and only her. I’m sure you’ve seen this happen time and again with so-called “committed bachelors.” They may have sworn off marriage, yet they meet that one woman who turns everything around for them.

But I don’t have to tell you that you can’t talk a man into this feeling. The best way to become that forever woman to him is to show him – not tell him – that his life is so much better with you in it than without. And the way to do this is by creating a foundation of positive experiences with him.

Fight the need to talk about the relationship, and instead turn your attention to creating great moments together. Moments that you convey you’re easy, fun, and playful to be with. It’s in these moments that I man develops that all-important emotional attraction that makes him realize he’d be a fool to let you go.
Understanding attraction and how it works is absolutely critical if you want to create a connected, lasting relationship with a man. To learn more about the kind of woman a great guy is attracted to for the long term, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter.  He’ll tell you what makes a guy want to commit to you, and what you can do to get him there without any convincing or game playing.