A group of women sitting together and laughing over coffee

Why Some Women Succeed at Love…and Others Don’t

by Jeannie Assimos - May 24, 2013

We all know couples who’ve got “it,” that unmistakable patina of contentment that seems to say to the world, “We got it right.”

Seeing others who have been successful at finding love can be motivating or discouraging, depending on your frame of mind. And if your frame of mind happens to be “Everyone else but me is lucky at love,” you may find it more disheartening than anything else. But the question begs to asked: Why do some women seem to succeed at love while others don’t? Is it sheer luck, or are there principles that anyone can apply? Let’s take a look at four such principles.

Up the numbers. Dating is, in some respects, a numbers game. Can you find life-long love with your first boyfriend? Sure, it’s possible…but not very probable. For most couples, it takes meeting and spending time with lots of potential partners before discovering the right match. Just as we’ve all met couples who, by all appearances, have been successful at finding true love, we’ve all met singles who complain they are unlucky in love…and yet hole up at home, never making efforts to meet and mingle with potential partners or venture into relationships. If you want to find yourself part of a successful, happy couple — you can’t be a wallflower. When it comes to meeting eligible partners, increase your numbers and you’ll increase your chances.

Make peace with your sexuality. Your femininity and sexuality are powerful forces that (at the risk of sounding like a superhero movie) can be used for good or evil. Women who are successful at love tend to embrace a healthy perspective of their feminine charms. They don’t repress their sexuality and they don’t use it as a means of acting out, sabotaging themselves, or manipulating the men they date. If you feel trapped by the need to repress your femininity/sexuality, or if you use it to express negative feelings about yourself, or hurt or control others, get help. Having a healthy perspective on who you are as a woman, and seeing your feminine and sexual charms as something healthy and beautiful to bring to a loving, committed relationship, makes you a more attractive, viable partner.

Walk the walk. You’re worthy of being loved and cherished. And if you’re worthy of being loved and cherished by a man, you’re also worthy of being loved and cherished by yourself. This isn’t about having the perfect features or curves of a supermodel. But it is about refusing to “let yourself go.” When a woman deems herself unworthy of the time and effort to exercise, eat well, and be well groomed, it sends a message to the world: “I don’t think I’m worth the effort.” It’s the wrong message. And it’s especially the wrong message to send to potential partners who should, instead, be seeing you as someone special they would be blessed to get to know.

Love well. Being successful at romantic relationships means knowing how to love well. There are a lot of healthy relationship skills that are wrapped up in these two little words—“Love well”—but those skills include choosing to forgive, asking for forgiveness when needed, setting healthy boundaries, communicating from your heart, being a good listener, and using your words to build instead of destroy.

All the relational and social skills that may you successful in other areas—career, parenting, friendships—are vitally important in your love life. Your chances of becoming part of a healthy, loving couple increase when you are emotionally healthy, love yourself, know how to love someone else, and spend time getting to know quality potential partners and letting them get to know you.