Man laying down and woman laying next him comforting him

He Loves You, But He’s Not ‘In Love’ With You?

by Eharmony Editorial Team - April 16, 2012

I get so many letters from women who’ve been investing their time and energy in a man only to find out that he just doesn’t feel for her in “that way.” If this has ever happened to you, then y

I get so many letters from women who’ve been investing their time and energy in a man only to find out that he just doesn’t feel for her in “that way.” If this has ever happened to you, then you’ve probably been very confused – not to mention downright angry about it.

I mean, how can a man ask you out, get close to you, even have a physical relationship with you, and then all of a sudden decide that he doesn’t have the right feelings for you? Was he pretending to feel it for you all along? Why did he even bother to ask you out…let alone keep asking you out?!  It’s enough to drive anyone crazy. I get it.

Let me shed a little light here on what’s going on for men…


A guy will meet many women throughout the course of his life that he’ll feel physically drawn to. And a man can go out with a woman, spend time with her, and get very close to her without thinking that he wants a relationship with her.

Meanwhile, the woman he’s involved with will be thinking, “Wow, there’s something special here.  We have a CONNECTION.” But unless a man has specifically said that he wants an exclusive, committed relationship with you, chances are he’s just enjoying your company.

Too many women mistake the “connection” they feel with a man as a sign that this is a done deal – they think that the man must surely feel certain that this is the start of a long-term relationship. But something ELSE needs to be at play for him to think that…


Emotional attraction goes way beyond the physical – when a man is emotionally attracted to you, he might not even know why. He just FEELS safe with you. He feels he can open up, share his feelings, and connect with you on a DEEPER level.

So what does it take to make a guy feel emotional attraction for you?

1. Create safety by opening up first.

If you can make a man feel like it’s okay to be honest with you, you’re well on your way to creating real intimacy with him. And a powerful way to do this is to GO FIRST. Women are often much better communicators than men, so don’t be afraid to share your stories, feelings, and experiences with him.

2. Make him feel understood, not judged.

When he does share, all you have to do is listen. He’s taking a brave step in communicating with you, and the last thing he wants is to be criticized. Listening well means not having an agenda about what you want to say next or how you need to fix him.

3. Focus on creating positive moments together.

One of the most important things you can do to encourage a man to see you as commitments material is to simply enjoy fun, memorable moments together. Whether it’s playing sports, planning a trip, or even just laughing at a show together, a man needs a wants a positive, safe refuge from the stress in his life.

Emotional attraction is what makes a man feel, deep inside, that he’s found a woman he wants to let into his life – and keep in his life. It’s what makes him see her as a woman he needs to respect and grow with – a woman who makes his life so much better than if he were alone. Even if he’s a confirmed bachelor, this woman makes him actually want to give up his single “freedom” to be with her…and only her.

If you want to know how to share your feelings with a man – even the difficult ones – in a way that will really make him want to listen and will make him feel even deeper attraction for you, subscribe to Christian’s free e-newsletter.  You’ll learn how to make the most of the ultimate training ground for achieving this attractive positive mindset: your relationship with a man…so that you become the one woman your Mr. Right can’t be without.